Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
