I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
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Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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