do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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