Umm I'm too high to move.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize