My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
