i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
