I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
