If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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