She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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