i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
