By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
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It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
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The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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