So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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