Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
