tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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