Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This toilet bowl is my home.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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