When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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