Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
