I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
