I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
