i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
