At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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