he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
