Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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