I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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