You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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