So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
