now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
