My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
