I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
