The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
