my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I had to cum in my sink.
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