I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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