she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
