im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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