you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
