i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
