The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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