I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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