apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
