and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
