I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
