I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
