Your dad touched me again.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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