I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
