My hand turned me down
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
