i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
