There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
