Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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