sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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