Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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