Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
