I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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