I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
