Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
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she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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