Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
