i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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