I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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