I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
