I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
