Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
